I am so in love with this song and this artist.
Give it a listen.
I want to be queen of a one horse town.
I struggle every day. I haven’t so far been able to find my main purpose in life. I lost two people I love in the past three years or so. One of these people had been with me my entire life and the other was my best friend since we were 12 years old. Both of these people struggled in the same way as I. I didn’t realize that until today. My dad actually found his purpose late in life. I thank God for that everyday. He was an artist it turned out and a damn good one.
The other person died in bed alone, probably feeling like a failure. We weren’t close in the end. Two people who both struggle with depression don’t usually help each other very much and although we loved one another that love made it to where we could no longer look at each other or even talk. It was too painful to watch and we couldn’t do anything for each other anymore. We were and I am still emotionally crippled.
Recently I’ve come to realize how much not having a major life purpose is impacting my life. The quality of my life is impacted and my happiness is suffering grotesquely because I feel like i’m floating aimlessly. I don’t believe that a mere job will solve this severe depression that has come over me because of the lost empty feeling of having no purpose.
One thing I’d like to clarify; I know in this moment, that this is my personal demon.
The problem is, I am a people pleaser. I want my purpose to please the person I am in a relationship with. I can’t handle a displeasing attitude around me. It makes me question my ability, my intelligence, my purpose. When I don’t get full support in the form of interest and feedback I partially blame my partner when I back off what prior to the displeasing attitude I thought was MY PURPOSE.
My partner thinks nothing of it if I am displeased with his choices. My partner had a purpose prior to meeting me. I wonder sometimes if him knowing his purpose early in life makes him more independent and confident in all his choices.
Should he care more or should I care less?
If I think less of what he finds displeasing will I become more like him and possibly find my purpose? Am I allowing my fear of others displeasing attitudes stifle my choices and my purpose in life?
How can I find happiness by disregarding my partner’s feelings and thoughts on something as relevant as a major life choice and purpose in life?
Hippie Lady Ideas
The Internet is an odd place. Some people just sit back and observe and some of us put it all out there for all to see whether they want to or not.
Some people blog as themselves and others blog as they want others to see them.
Some don’t post much negative things because they get enough negativity in their life that they don’t want to focus on it in their posts.
The web is a happy place for some.
On some blogs life is always sunny and happy. That doesn’t mean that everything is always sunny and happy, it means that is what they choose to focus on. The person that is posting happy all the time may be living a miserable life and being happy online may be the only happy life they have.
Some people post their demons. They try and cast out their negativity on the Internet. Purging, I call it.
I’ve done both. I’ve had two websites, one puking out every pissed off feeling, all my anger and depressed thoughts and the other is all sunshine and unicorns.
My point is… You cannot know someone from what you see online.
That cheerful blog you are reading may be masking a person dying of cancer.
That seemingly mad, insane ranting blog, may have a quiet little church mouse librarian hiding behind it.
The blog telling of the blogger traveling all over the world, may just be a recluse googling pics of destinations they long to go on but really don’t have the money or guts to actually go.
Someone posting organic recipes and great healthy ideas may be a dreamer hoping that someday that will be how they live.
Life and online blogging is complicated.
I call myself a hippie. But am I really or is it who I want to be or who I want the reader to believe I am?
That’s the fun of the Internet.
Hippie Lady ☮✌🏼️