I am so in love with this song and this artist.
Give it a listen.
I want to be queen of a one horse town.
The third eye.
Not the third eye of ancient mysticism.
This is the third eye of that inflicts its dark opinions onto the host.
This third eye deceives.
It very well may be a second, dark personality.
This other negative silent watcher of all things waits for opportunities to emerge.
Silently it watches and waits for a chink in the armour of the host.
Stress. Stress tears armour, even in the best of us.
Recognize stress triggers and flee from them.
If you cannot flee physically then flee in your mind to wonderous beautiful places.
Sleep. Take a nap. Relax in the grass of a meadow and stare at the clouds.
Don’t allow this dark side ruin a beautiful day.
Not one beautiful precious second of a life should be spend brooding over negative things.
Close that third eye. Close your eyes and imagine it closed and silent and it will be.
You are in control of your own mind.
Be a lightbearer. Shine. Let light envelope the darkness, always.
I struggle every day. I haven’t so far been able to find my main purpose in life. I lost two people I love in the past three years or so. One of these people had been with me my entire life and the other was my best friend since we were 12 years old. Both of these people struggled in the same way as I. I didn’t realize that until today. My dad actually found his purpose late in life. I thank God for that everyday. He was an artist it turned out and a damn good one.
The other person died in bed alone, probably feeling like a failure. We weren’t close in the end. Two people who both struggle with depression don’t usually help each other very much and although we loved one another that love made it to where we could no longer look at each other or even talk. It was too painful to watch and we couldn’t do anything for each other anymore. We were and I am still emotionally crippled.
Recently I’ve come to realize how much not having a major life purpose is impacting my life. The quality of my life is impacted and my happiness is suffering grotesquely because I feel like i’m floating aimlessly. I don’t believe that a mere job will solve this severe depression that has come over me because of the lost empty feeling of having no purpose.
One thing I’d like to clarify; I know in this moment, that this is my personal demon.
The problem is, I am a people pleaser. I want my purpose to please the person I am in a relationship with. I can’t handle a displeasing attitude around me. It makes me question my ability, my intelligence, my purpose. When I don’t get full support in the form of interest and feedback I partially blame my partner when I back off what prior to the displeasing attitude I thought was MY PURPOSE.
My partner thinks nothing of it if I am displeased with his choices. My partner had a purpose prior to meeting me. I wonder sometimes if him knowing his purpose early in life makes him more independent and confident in all his choices.
Should he care more or should I care less?
If I think less of what he finds displeasing will I become more like him and possibly find my purpose? Am I allowing my fear of others displeasing attitudes stifle my choices and my purpose in life?
How can I find happiness by disregarding my partner’s feelings and thoughts on something as relevant as a major life choice and purpose in life?
Hippie Lady Ideas
I posted a few moths ago “What is a Hippie part one” This is going to be part two. Instead of another general post about what I think hippies are, this is going to be about what kind of hippie I am.
I’m second generation hippie. My parents and uncle Terry were the “original hippies” in my family. You would never know this by looking at them now. But fortunately my uncle loves to tell the stories and pull out the pics on occasion.
I’m not exactly a “fruits and nuts” variety hippie as one of my aunts like to call modern day hippies. I do love fruits and nuts and I am definitely all about saving the planet as best I can being married to a man who works in the energy services field.We have a cabin “in the woods” we are planning on retiring there eventually and it will be as close to “green” as we can get it and still not freeze in the winter. We WANT to be self sustaining eventually.
We hunt. Some people are highly offended by this. A lot of people who are also hippie type are vegan. We NEVER trophy hunt and we are very much against this type of hunting. We don’t hunt very much. Twice a year and some years we harvest nothing. If there isn’t a old or injured deer to harvest and help thin the heard, we don’t take anything. We ALWAYS eat what we take. We don’t buy meat from grocery stores because of the disgusting treatment of industrially raised animals. We are careful and thoughtful of where our food comes from. We only buy free range no antibiotic eggs from people we know. I know that some of you will still have a problem with me. All I can say is we are making efforts. It’s more than I can say for most of Americans.
We are grandparents.
We love them all.
I sew. I love to make pillows for my grandkids and anyone who will take one.
I love to create anything with anything I find lying around.
We ride motorcycles. We just started a couple years ago. We love it. We have made many really great friends while riding. It’s a great way to connect with nature and yourself. I think a lot about life and what’s important to me while I’m on that bike.
I wear many hats and I enjoy them all.
That’s me. Not your typical hippie but my own kind of hippie.
Who are you?
I’m weird. I know this now. I had a milestone birthday a little over a month ago and I’ve been reflecting a lot. A WHOLE LOT. I spent a lot of my time (way too much) in the past having hurt feelings because not a lot of people “get” me. I only have a handful of close friends in my life. Most people that are my super close friends are like me. They don’t have a lot of close friends and the friends we have UNDERSTAND that we like a lot of quiet alone time. I get stressed doing what women do that are in my age group, societal class group or whatever boxes I fit into.
I’m “weird” I guess. I’ve had a lifetime of fighting off anxiety. It’s not that I don’t like large groups. It’s not that I hate bars, concerts, going to the state fair, parties, shopping in malls. It’s not that I don’t want to go get my nails done or do all the stuff girls do. I don’t have shitty fingernails and my house doesn’t look perfect because I’m a slob or have no fashion or decorating sense.
I suffer silently over here in my “weirdo” box.
I see lovely women who seem perfect to me. Their hair is perfect, their nails are painted to perfection complete with the latest holiday designs. I wanted to be just like that. Sometimes I still do.
I don’t do all these things because I am anxiety ridden. I can’t make decisions very well. I feel uncomfortable. I can’t even seem to hang all the pretty wall hangings or family photos in my home because I can’t decide where to put them and everything seems wrong when I try.
No one invites me anywhere very often because I have said no so many times I’m not even a bleep on the radar anymore.
I have lost many “friends” because they think I’m mad at them. I suppose because I don’t do all of the above mentioned or because I don’t invite them to do stuff. I just figure no one just wants to come over and watch history channel with me, make stupid Pinterest crafts or just sit and blab about life.
Another thing I’ve noticed lately is this attitude from some that I need to be the one asking them to do stuff all the time. I’ve had people mad at me asking how come I stopped asking them to come over and I’m thinking “I don’t recall you asking me over EVER. Maybe I’m waiting on you to ask me. I assumed you didn’t like me. I’m not one to beg people to hang with me. I know I’m weird but not stalker weird”.
To end this seemingly endless weirdo diatribe:
I’m weird. I accept that. It’s okay that I don’t look or fit into the “not a weirdo box”. If you meet a person that seems standoffish maybe they just have anxiety problems. Maybe they need help. You don’t have to help people like us but if you like us, try offering your help.
Helping someone you know with anxiety isn’t hard. Gently push them to go do things with you. Something you know they enjoy. Maybe just call and ask them to come to your house instead of waiting on them to invite you over. If they say no then keep asking. Don’t write them off as weirdos because it’s lonely sometimes over here in this “weirdo box”.
Personally I’m getting comfortable. I’ll just sit here watching history channels and drag myself and my weirdo box to garage sales. I like my weirdo self finally. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long.
Hippie Lady 💜☮️
I have had such a nice month of September so far.
Don’t rush to judge me. Hear me out first.
One of the reasons my month has been nice is because of…
I never watched the cartoon Pokémon. My kids watched it and played with the cards. I bought them cards, but I didn’t know what they were doing with them.
Lots of kids collected trading cards.
To me, the new game meant nothing. I briefly worried about the whole “the government is tracking people with this odd game”.
I have concluded that we are probably tracked with these phones anyway in ways we don’t even understand. If we aren’t, that’s great. If we are, then my only recourse is shut off the phone or accept it.
For now I’ve accepted it because I have to. My family would probably have me locked up for being crazy if I unplug.
So in the meantime, myself, my husband and one of our sons are all playing Pokémon Go.
before Pokémon Go, we hardly spent any time together other than the occasional family dinner. We were busy or they were. He is married with two young children.
We all now meet two or three times a week at the parks around here and walk together and talk. A lot. We walked the track around the park for two miles last night!
My daughter in law doesn’t play the game and I’m not overly into it so we walk together and push the baby around. My son and his dad are playing, laughing, competing and walking all over the park. Mostly they walk behind us and veer off occasionally to find a Pokémon gym. But they are always within yelling distance so they can see us.
We are having family fun and exercisizing.
It’s a win-win situation.
Whatever it takes!
Hippie Lady 💜☮
P.S. I’m kind of hurting today. I may have over done it since I’m an amateur exerciser. 😩
I can’t sleep. Ever. I rest four, maybe five hours a night. I can’t stop thinking. I lie here in this big king, memory foam adjustable bed and tweet. I tweet a lot these days. I have Facebook and during the day I Facebook some. Some days I post several times a day. I’m bored with my existence. It sounds terrible. It sounds depressing to say I’m bored with my life.
It isn’t bad.
It isn’t sad.
It isn’t depressing.
It is just a fact that I’m in the middle of my life and I don’t know what to do next.
The things I come up with seem ludicrous.
Travelling and photographing 100 plus year old buildings that are abandoned.
Photographing little known, forgotten, cemeteries.
Being a clown. That sounds fun.
Opening another second hand shop.
Write a book even if no one reads it.
Drive all over the United States. Leave my home and just drive until I’ve hit all continental states. Screw Hawaii. I’m not all about flying unless I absolutely have to. I may at some point change my mind about the flying thing someday but for today… No need, no desire.
I feel like I’m not normal.
Not sure if that is a bad thing.